


haikyuu: off da perc

by sim_brooks



Series: haikyuu crack?? [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bleh, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, a shitton of relationships, everyone is a little shit, funny stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sim_brooks/pseuds/sim_brooks
Summary: i got bored and wrote this- its a big training camp fic and i don't know if i'll ever finish it
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Series: haikyuu crack?? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100120
Kudos: 3





	1. if you don't threaten someone playing uno, are you really playing

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy :)

**[hinata's pov]**

"Kageyama- if you throw another orange at me, I  _ will _ fight you!"

"Dumbass! You can barely even reach me!" He laughed at me.

"Isn't it too late for you two idiots to be arguing so-"

"Tsuki look a dinosaur billboard!"

"Tanaka shut up," Daichi shouted. "Now when we get there, please behave."

"Okay."

(later that day)

"Guys! do you wanna play uno?" Terushima exclaimed.

"I will kick all of your asses- so get ready!"

(2 min later)

"I fucking hate you all!"

" _ Why _ did I agree to this?" Kuroo shouted.

While everyone was yelling Terushima snuck up behind Bokuto and held a card to his neck, "I swear I'll slit your throat if you make me draw four again!"

"Why is- Ter- what is going on here?"

"Terushima wanted to play uno, so we're playing uno."

"Not the right way- you don't  _ threaten _ people in uno!" Daichi tried to explain, right when Nishinoya rolling thundered into Kuroo.

"Fuck!"

"But if- wow Terushima, you're strong as hell, but if you don't threaten someone in uno, are you  _ really _ playing?"

"Let Bokuto go- and go to bed, we start games tomorrow!" Daichi shouted. 

(the next day)

"We get to play the Great King first!"

"I wish you'd stop calling him that, he's not even that good." Kageyama huffed.

"Looks like his royal highness is jealous."

"Hinata!"

"Lev- what's up!" the ginger turned to face the voice.

"I'm good, so have you grown anymo-" thud.

"Lev- stop, Daichi I'm sorry about him."

"No big deal, I know how it is." He nodded.

"Lev give me my shoe!"

"But you threw it at me."

"But it's  _ my _ damn shoe." Yaku shouted, chasing him.

"Hey small fry- huh, why aren't you at the bathroom?"

"Oi, Shittykawa, lay off the kid!"

_ 'Seijoh's ace is on my side- not the great kings?' _ Hinata thought.

"Iwa-chan wait, you're supposed to be on my side!"

"Hinata- what did he mean by bathroom?"

"Oh Hinata gets nervous before games so he goes to the bathroom- but this lucky bastard always runs into somebody we play against."

" _ Tanaka _ \- well you're not wrong- you really do have horrible luck, Hinata." Daichi said, turning to the shorter one.

"Guys let's go!"

———

"Alright guys- one round of flying laps  _ go _ !"

"There they go again- with their stupid 'dignified' penalties."

"Did ya see that insane quick attack by their 9 and 10- how do they do that?"

"Ha, you must be new here- it's not a game against Karasuno without that  _ damn _ quick." Kuroo laughed at the Inarizaki setter.

"Ok- but look they don't even seem to like each other."

"You and your  _ brother _ don't seem to like each other."

"Fair point."

"Hey hey hey! Hinata can you tell us how you do that quick attack?"

"Bokuto- you can't just ask tha-"

"Sure- so I run then I jump like  _ whoosh _ \- then Kageyama sets to my hand like  _ zip _ \- then I  _ bam _ , and score, unless I get blocked." Hinata 'explained' while jumping.

"Dumbass- use your words."

"Okay then,  _ you _ explain it."

"Fuck you."

"Idiot- watch your language!" He said, turning to his setter.

"Don't call me an idiot, dumbass."

"Hinata and Kageyama! we've only played one game- why are you already fighting?"


	2. vroom vroom bitches

"Hey do y'all wanna play truth or dare?" Tanaka shouted, running through the gym.

"Hell yeah!"

"Sure."

"Okay- but only if you stop yelling."

"Let's start with- uhh, tongue ring." Noya called, pointing at Terushima. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to let Oikawa do your hair."

" _ Oh _ , move- tilt your head back."

"Ow- that hurt."

"No it doesn't! Stop being dramatic."

"My turn! Spider-man, truth or dare?"

"Truth." Hinata said proudly- despite all the boos he earned.

"Okay- ooh, what's your favorite thing about Kageyama."

"Probably his height."

" _ Oh _ , so you like taller men."

"Huh, anyways, you- truth or dare?" He asked, pointing at Atsumu.

"Dare."

"I dare you to- um- lick a volleyball." At this everyone turned to Hinata, confused. "I panicked."

"Okay, aah-"

"Hey guys what's going o-"

"I dared him to lick a volleyball." Hinata explained to the mangers, who were stunned at the sight of Atsumu licking a volleyball.

"You know what- just pretend we weren't here."

"Anyways, you- with the long arms- yeah truth or dare."

"Dare."

"I dare ya to flirt with Karasuno's coach-  _ the blond one _ ."

"Okay- but how will you know if I did it?" The noodle looking boy asked.

"Ooh- can I go with him"

"Uh, sure."

(5min later)

"Then he was all like  _ 'Did it hurt when you fell out the vending machine, cause you a snack. _ " Oikawa laughed when they got back. 

"Deadass?"

"Then Ukai was like 'I'm sorry what?'- then this motherfucker  _ repeated _ himself!"

"Why didn't you just run away?"

"I did after he told me that he didn't feel the same way- and that it's illegal." Lev trailed off.

"AHAHAHAHA- I'm gonna piss myself if I keep laughing!"

"Ha ha, Kuroo- truth or dare."

"Dare."

"I dare you to ride the cooler- thing around the gym."

"Oh  _ hell _ yeah!" The dark haired boy shouted, mounting the cooler. "Vroom vroom bitches- look at me- WHEEE!"

"Wait lemme go!"

"No! I just got on!"

" _ Guys _ -" The whole gym looked up at the voice to see Daichi, Akaashi, Iwaizumi, Kenma, and Kita staring at them, disappointingly.

"Ahh- I can't sto- ow!"

"Kuroo- why?"

"It was a dare- you can't  _ not _ do a dare."

"Kuro, you're a captain." Kenma explained.

"I- there's three other captains in here, do you not see them?"

"Yes, but we saw  _ you _ riding a cooler."

"Please tell me this was the stupidest thing you guys did- it's not is it?"

"We had Lev flirt with your coach." Atsumu added.

Kita gasped, "Fuckin dumbass, it was you- wasn't it?"

"Yes, but nothin happened."

" _ Bruh _ \- just go to sleep!"

"Okay- c'mon guys."


	3. not sticky enough to be cum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik this title is a little... odd but trust me it's good

(1:50 am)

"Hey what are you two doing?" Tanaka whispered.

"Getting ready to prank Sakusa and Oikawa."

"Can we join?"

"Yeah, go get some clear glue and bubble wrap."

"Ok- so what are we doing?" Noya asked, mesmerized.

"We're gonna switch the glue with Sakusa's hand sanitizer"

" _ Ooh _ \- so his hands will be sticky'til he washes his hands."

"Yeah then we're gonna put bubble wrap in Oikawa's shoes so when he puts them on he'll scream!" Bokuto explained.

"Hell yeah!"

"Then we could put toaster strudel icing on Atsumu's face-"

"To make it look like cum!"

"I have never heard ideas better than that."

"I'm tired- remember, don't look suspicious tomorrow." Kuroo reminded as he walked away. 

———

(8:30 am)

"Guys, get up we have to start practice in an hour and a ha- Atsumu, what's on your face?" Daichi called out.

"Huh- is this fuckin  _ cum _ on my face!"

"What's-"

"BAHAHA!"

"Oi Noya- did you, do this?"

" _ No way _ ! His face isn't nice enough for me to jack off to!" Nishinoya explained.

"You take that back! I have a very nice fa- this is icing." The blond concluded, tasting it.

"Wait eww, did you just eat that?"

"Who- Tanaka, it was you, wasn't it?"

"No maybe someone's cum tastes like icing."

"Nah, this ain't sticky enough to be cum."

"Ayo?" At this everyone turned to look at the blond.

"How you know that?"

"Don't worry about that."

"Hey, Akaashi, does this hand sanitizer feel sticky to you?" Sakusa spoke up.

"A little bit- but it could just be old."

"Okay, thanks."

"No problem."

"You two are pretty talkative today." Kuroo noted.

"You and Bokuto-san are pretty quiet today- what did you do?"

" _ Akaashi _ , why is your initial reaction to blame me?"

"Because 60% of the time it is you."

"That seems right."

_ pop pop pop pop pop  _

"Ahh- Iwa-Chan help!" Oikawa shouted from the next room.

"What happened?"

"I put my shoe on and it, it popped!"

"You screamed, because of  _ that _ ."

"It scared me- what's that plastic coming out of my shoe?"

"Shittykawa, it's just-  _ ha _ \- bubble wrap." Iwaizumi laughed, bending down to get it.

"Pfft aahahahah the  _ Great King _ is scared of bubble wrap!"

"Hush- now let's go practice!"

"Ah! why are my hands sticky- and  _ peeling _ !"

"Woah, mine are too. Bokuto-san what did you do?" Akaashi asked, realizing that Bokuto was being too quiet.

"Whaat, nothin- why'd you say that?"

"Because you're being oddly quiet-it's suspicious."

"Is this glue?"

"Hahahahaha- I'm sorry."

"Kuroo shut up!" Bokuto 'whispered'.

"You switched my hand sanitizer with glue!"

"Hahaha- Omi-kun, they got you good!"

"Shut up. That's why you still have icing on your face."

"I am  _ choosing _ not to take it off, for yer information," Atsumu began. "So you can't say somethin 'bout it."

"Wait how'd you know it was glue?"

"Wait you two were in on it too?"

"I- didn't even get to deny it yet!"

"You and Nishinoya are always doing something together, so I put two and two together."

"-Oh my gosh! You didn't even  _ try _ to hide it good enough!" Sakusa exclaimed looking down at the glue bottle, at the very top of the trash can.

"Bro I told you to tuck it!"

"Ohh, that's what you wanted me to tuck."

"Noya- dude, don't tell me."

"I did." Nishinoya solemnly admitted.

"Dude why didn't you clarify?"

"I was sure I was right- lemme go fix it."

"It was all of you!"

"Well yes-"

"I'll kill you- where'd you put it?" Sakusa yelled, pointing at them.

"Well you see- run!"

"Yaku, stop them!"

"So, what's our punishment gonna be?"

"Huh? Oh an extra round of flying laps." Daichi told them.

"I wasn't really planning a punishment."

"Me either."

"Wait so if we didn't say anything, we'd be free?"

"Yeah, you really walked right into that" Yaku laughed.

"Damn it!"


End file.
